Endless

I just finished watching Cafe Society by Woody Allen

In my friend’s apartment in the west part of Berlin

It’s Autumn and very warm out

Wonderful

I appreciate the colours on the trees

The colours of fallen leaves

And the sun light that passes through them

Passing through the glass of the window onto my left neck and shoulder as I type

This morning I received a text from her

It said all the things I feared

Gentle as they were I should have seen it coming

I don’t regret pushing her to it, however hideous my anxiety seemed in a last ditch effort

To cling onto thin air

And plead for some rock of truth however jagged or heavy I knew it would feel in my hands, my heart, my soul

I was so panicked after reading her

I didn’t know what to do

This was my last morning staying with my friend

In the security of the still stability of familiarity, of their quiet apartment

And finding a hostel for the next couple nights

Uprooting my fragile existence

And having to settle down again on what would be the thin layer of sand one sees almost dashed perfunctorily around fake trees seemed so cruel, so merciless

Endless

This is not how I thought the picture would turn out

I knew I had to take stock of the memories I had made over the previous few days, weeks, couple months while I’d been travelling

Moments with her especially

They would never be abandoned

Before that though I needed to be calm

And so this morning as my friend left for work and we said our goodbyes

I opened the living room window to breathe

There are still a few more hours I can stay here before I have to go, I thought

Pressing my laptop spacebar to resume the film I’d given up watching last night

And folding my clothes to pack as one tiny detail lead to another

As casual interest in the characters turned into personal reflections

As the social animal in me was enveloped in the swaying motions

The distorted space time travel that somehow captures not only what’s been in our minds

But in our lives entirely

A mirror

Acknowledging our inner feelings holding them up to the light

And allowing us to settle in its small warm silver glow

Somehow

She tried to tell me that she’s gone, that it’s a no

That the wall lies here

And that she wishes to remain here still on the side of friends

This is all

That was all

In my friend’s apartment lying in a chair quietly is a sausage dog

he makes a lot of noise at people whenever his owner is near

And yet whenever she is gone

There he lies quiet, still

Eyes open, eyes closed

It’s like he’s waiting to protect her

I wonder if he sees his existence as something more, or is he solely there to be near her

Does he think he’s in love?

Like how I must have felt whenever she was around me

Is he yearning too, curled up in that bland checkered armchair?

Two actors in the film Jesse Eisenberg and Kristen Stewart are lovers that depart into the arms of others as the movie wears on

But as they begin to settle comfortably in their new lives apart

Reminders of the past begin to align feelings that never quite seemed in sync before

And the movie ends showing each at their respective New Years Eve parties

With their respective married partners

After the count down

Each staring dreamily into the distance

Not quite here or there

Perhaps thinking of each other

I love that

You try and find an ending for everything

But the best endings aren’t the ones that close off all the doors

Leaving no room for possibilities

Like a happily ever after

Good endings may seem endless

I like it when they provide hope

That the something you so wanted to believe in

While it may not be the case now

It doesn’t mean it won’t ever be

In a good ending, all those glimmers of hope you saw

For the ending you wanted that didn’t come

Are never denied entirely

They are acknowledged and supported

They are kept alive by the voice of a good ending

That whispers don’t throw these feelings/moments away

They’re gonna come in use later for something

In that respect, the great perhaps isn’t only about something kept ahead of us

It also lies in the things that were, the things we experienced

And in what we thought has passed but is never really over

                                     14 Oct 2019 Mon

People and Place

I used to tell myself when I went travelling that it was never about the places I’d visit but the people I’d end up meeting and getting to know. I didn’t care for big cities with old ruins or famous cultural landmarks; I lived for the friendly faces, the chats, the spontaneity of friendships and connections and thus, it was surely those things I would savour during my travels, in those things I’d find the exact mix of excitement, delight and meaning for which in life at home I was so starved of. And so when I arrived in Rome and had been walking through its streets for several hours, having seen very little of the Rome I’d heard wonderful things about, I found myself whispering these words, this city owes you nothing and in part, you also owe this city nothing. It seemed in a lot of ways very true but, being honest with myself, I knew that that was not how I actually felt. Sure, I still took a look at the colosseum, saw the Vatican and the inside of the Pantheon, knowing they meant very little to me, and yet I did so knowing somehow, what I was searching for was not just a connection through conversation, or through a stare. It was something like a feeling underneath my feet, something I could hear, comparable to an invisible spectral force that encompassed me with each breath. 

I knew deep down that I was also looking for a place. Or a setting. Somewhere I felt I could leave a breath drawn out knowing that it would replenish itself within my chest, in full, free of charge, and without any effort. I was looking for cleaner air. It didn’t have to be manufactured or filtered, there were no new laws stating they would cut down on pollution. It just was, as it had always been. 

That was the air I wished to breathe, in the place I wished to belong. Like love, no maybe they are the same. Perhaps it is something you first read about in a novel during early childhood, that for some reason despite a severe lack of any living experience, resonates with your very being, your very young soul. You think is such a thing really possible? For it is described in such detail, you assume it must be true; the author must have experienced it. And if they have, why would it not be possible for you someday too? And maybe that someday has come, maybe it has gone and you’ve forgotten about it. But for a time you remember having once lived this very feeling or at the very least, its distant embers that you can’t quite pinpoint the original fiery source. Nevertheless, ever since, you have been chasing after that source, trying to recapture that sense of belonging; ersatz or not. Because you have gained the belief that it is out there. At times you may suspect you are deluding yourself, could such a thing really exist? In such explicit detail? And if even so, what is the chance that I will stumble across it in my travels? Exactly, in your travels. Perhaps travel is like a moment. We often hear the saying seize the moment but some like myself believe the moment seizes you. So let the mindset of travel seize you too and who knows, perhaps maybe you will find that person or that place, or what is inevitable in such consuming concepts, belonging, in the sense outside yourself, springs out at you.

The entrance to the cave

The entrance to the cave seemed small enough and there was little notion of depth, or of how far into the rock the dark could travel. All you could hear every now and then was a sound, short but unmistakably piercing like a cry. I had grown wary over time of such natural depressions, and yet upon this introduction, glimpses of cracks across a surface; almost like that of thinned, dehydrated skin could not dissuade me from stepping in, in search of discovering the secrets of a universe I supposed it possessed.

I found my way out somehow at the exact same opening from which I’d entered and yet I didn’t once recall turning back inside. Changed and unchanged. I still felt sad but a little bit sadder than before the journey. Happy too but still a little happier. Moonlight lit the trail through which I walked and the shadows drawn by neighbouring trees cast over the entrance of the cave. Continuing to walk under its shimmering blue sky I noticed it was interrupted in some places by fog. Bringing myself to a stop I turned back and stared into the cave. My eyes glazed over projections of swimming light that surrounded the entrance and honed into the narrowing dark. There I could envision, no, now see clearly the terrain I’d covered in detail with each gigantic leap-step. Maybe in illumination or maybe just imagination, a shiver passed through me and I heard a familiar melody. Something from the cave’s past echoed out, the cry, ever so distinctly. However, this time, at just above a whisper, something more flew out. wish you could swim like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim

Day at the acropolis

I wonder what would have happened if I had gotten a simcard last night. I wonder, what if I’d left Daniela and Karley to wander the acropolis alone together, to take their own photos. Would I have met up with Xavier again? And would I have rejoined the busker in the square for drinks and more guitar playing later in the evening?

Just as I began to feel my cardboard corners unfold from where the tape had sealed, caught glimpses of something leaking out from the edges into the vastness between those around, it was then that the setting of Athens began to sink into focus, that I saw through the beggars in the streets and embittered snapping of locals, through the bottle-capped evidence of unrelenting tourists and constant need to check my pockets, and discovered its beauty before me, unravelling more and more. First in Monastiraki square, then as sunlight settled behind ruins of the Acropolis, through the columns of the Parthenon. And finally through the midnight air diving around the streets in taxi front passenger. As I opened up to give more and more; letting go of first one preconceived, anxious coloured thought and then another, the city did the same.

It was as though we were at first two strangers trying to figure the other out, with each move of our poker game. The aim never being to have only one declared the winner but simply to earn each others’ trust in one another. The stakes in this game was a good foundation, a fond relationship, and once we had shown the last of our cards that night it was as though both left the table with wide grins; mine revealed in the share bathroom mirror as I stumbled into my 6-bedroom dorm alone well after midnight – and Athens’ shown in the way it took me home safely and said goodnight. The echoes of laughter whizzing past the Friday night windows, the softly lit buildings still frequented by a pack of tourists and the comforting fact that the taxi driver, undoubtedly tired from the busy nature of his work, still bid me an albeit gruff, yet firmly warm good evening as I paid him a fiver before closing his door. Both of us won last night’s game and both were eager to see a tomorrow that would carry our new friendship closer, higher and more firmly rooted than the mounds of ruins above at the acropolis.

A Coffee in Vienna

Back at Hudsons again

This time I came and there was no one in the wordpress corner

I was over an hour late to the meetup for the second time

I ordered a special this time; a standard of your choosing 

Vienna 

– What’s that?

I’m not sure but the name and its single peaked price point sound promising

– and a chocolate brownie

Both for $5.90

Is that even cheap?

I just see something on the specials board and pick it 

I don’t know if it’s a good deal

But some things we like to assume

I used to say I don’t drink coffee

But now I’m drinking it at least every second week appreciatively

I imagine in the near future I’ll be feeling the same way about smoking…

Easy habits remain as easy to pick up as ideal habits remain ideal but unattainable

I enquire about the corner

Apparently they’ve changed location

I say it’s a shame as they were the reason for me leaving the house this Saturday morning

But I requested to bring the coffee over to the corner anyway

The truth is I needed a break

And part of me cannot believe I am saying those words

The words of someone who declared this whole year would be a break

Someone being a mere youth admittedly

Susceptible to whims and fancies of the moment

But pridefully acknowledging that they are at the mercy of curiosity

If only so far as they cultivate the time and space for themselves to be

I believe that is the purpose of a gap year

So why bite off more responsibility than I can chew?

Why give in to the weekday employer’s request to work longer hours

To please those who care is not for

Only to prove that you can put up with discomfort for pennies?

Only to prove a point?

The waitress arrives with my order to a scattering of possessions over two tables

Headphones

A drink bottle

Ebook

Notepad and pen

And a sweater

All requirements of someone who’s home is not tied to location 

But to the following of a particular lifestyle with flavours ranging from comfort to abandonment

On a roulette 

It’s taken half of my cup of coffee, two thirds of a water bottle and half a half of brownie (the other half must be saved for ma back at home) to write all of this so far

Slurp. Coffee. Cold coffee

It’s the mark that lets me know I’ve savored something and spent quality time on whatever has been preoccupying my mind

I didn’t take a picture but when brownie and vienna arrived 

They sure lit up their whole surroundings

Generous swirlings of cream floating atop a fountain of coffee overflowing from a cup not clumsily large but generously moderate in size

Hah! Standard 

Ok the brownie is too cool, too sweet and seeing it come out of a refrigerated pack makes it a little disappointing

Mistake numero uno

Blending the coffee’s cream to see if it eliminates the contrast of sweet and bitter

Only to find it makes this perfect looking drink transform into the devil’s cesspool from dragonball comics

Mistake numero... 2

I chuckled to myself after burning my tongue and cursing after the third sip 

Thinking of mum and dad’s reaction to hearing how I turn attempts at spending money on sophistication into proof that I am trying to be something I’m not 

and care less for than I’d like to admit

Optimised optimism

Two hours before I was worrying about directions beyond forks in the road

But now my only concern is words on a page

One is based in the future and one purely on the present

Though I wonder which has bigger ramifications

Ah and finally the coffee has a well blended cream flavour

###

And so I lie down with my right side pressed against the yoga mat and my focal point returns to that familiar spot

A few inches from my left hand’s finger tips that gently touch the carpet albeit gripping

There your head once faced mine, softly, eyes closed, your body extending parallel with my outstretched right arm on which my ear laid pressed

Proximity, to you I remember fondly

Was it on purpose?

I’m not sure

Do I miss the discomfort of those moments

Of course

Like how I’m drawn to the explanation behind artwork more than the art itself

Or how understanding the audio of foreign language films is to me more comforting than being able to speak in that same tongue to a stranger

Returning to the fantasy-like memory of you being just an arm’s reach away is more desirable to any point of proximity I shared with you in our doomed, brief and at times uncomfortable reality 

No matter how sweet it was

Even when I kissed you on the cheek

Even that time I pushed open my door to the balcony we shared to seek yours

Even when you sent me texts with such tenderness and love

It’s like they would never feel more more to me now than they would afterwards

And three months on it feels as though all I wonder was

Whether I was ever thinking I was sharing any of these moments with you while they occurred or if I was only ever seeing it as a treasured memory I would adore once it had passed

That in the pursuit of being in the here and now, in this moment, if in the closest I ever felt to it, I was actually neither here nor there but somewhere in the future, looking back at the past with a soothing ache and yearning, the most potent of feelings and experiences I could ever have being shared only with myself and with no one else.

Was I being selfish? Feeling that in my loneliness I was not alone by remembering these moments?

 

###

 

Like this

I forget that I haven’t eaten in a while

Like this

I believe that the cost of $5.90 today was spent well 

Coffee at Hudsons

Sitting in Hudsons coffee. A corner tucked away

No one else seems to be here

The music plays overhead

I ordered something off the board that I’d never heard of

An Affogato

It was the most expensive small option so I thought it might be good

I came here because there was a meetup for wordpress users

I arrived when it was supposed to finish but not surprisingly people were still there

Talking about how to optimise their blogs

For this I’m thankful

I sat down and began chatting about travel, medicine, mens’ shed and genetic modification

Where else could I hear about such a wide range of interesting topics, for which I have so little exposure?

Probably any social setting should I decide to leave my bedroom more often

The affogato arrives and I’m puzzled by its delivery;

She brings it in two cups; one with icecream, the other in a smaller, teeny tiny one what appears to be an espresso

There is no spoon for the icecream and this causes some confusion

I later realise I need to pour the caffeine over the icecream but this doesn’t occur to me until well after half of my espresso has gone, I’ve asked for a spoon and someone else points it out for me

And the coffee is too cold to have any effect on the dairy

Still I enjoy it, if not feeling a tint of warmth from the reddish flood presumed in my cheeks

One of my favourite things I heard said today in the coffee shop was “I would help this person with their blog by researching things for them. It was something I wanted to do because helping them helped me learn more”. It’s like a good way to be selfish or something. Doing something that benefits others. You find that it is actually helping you learn more about the world. It’s actually helping you deal with your own life better. Making you better prepared, while also paying kindness forward. In that way, if everyone gives a bit more than what is expected of them, everybody wins. Two bloggers were sitting together. One was paying the other back for helping them with their blog. “I work for an industrial shoe company, which shoes would you like to wear? Thanks for all the work you’ve done in helping me set up and customise my blog. I’m able to do everything I want because of your help and it’s something I’m really proud of. So the shoes are on me!”. What a perfect way of saying thanks. Boots are expensive but not for someone who works for a shoe company. It’s an easy way to give back. How can I give back to others in a manner that is easy, sustainable and valued by others?

Also, there’s this idea of community. I used to think “If only I was part of a community, then I’d be happy” but little did I realise, I already am. I’m already connected to the people I want to be in someway; the music I listen to and obsess over, the heroes I look up to from my bedroom computer, even the prose I love to read or the movies that I hold close. Other people around the world hold them close too. So in a way I am connected. Think bigger; we’re all connected. It’s a common language we share, we’re all just waiting to converse in. So I’ve been practicing these languages, becoming more fluent in them. The languages of my community, my culture. It’s varied and multifaceted. I’m part of so much and so many. It’s then my job to realise my connections, feed and give back into the community. The ones that have given me so much. It may not feel like I am connected at times, when I’m experiencing it all through a wall (my computer screen, headphones, kindle) but everyone in my community is plugged into those exact same things. We’re all just waiting to meet eachother on the other side. They’re out there. It’s time to give back, find them and dance together .

                                                                                                             ###

Feeling terribly nostalgic for my med years, my med friends

I just want to see them at another party and dance. I remember all the good times I had with them. It feels like so many years ago but it was only 2016 when I first met them

Really Like

I just watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

There’s a quote from it that I really needed to hear

One I think that speaks for you

Clementine says to Joel

“Too many guys think I’m a concept, or I complete them, or I’m gonna make them alive. But I’m just a fucked-up girl who’s lookin’ for my own peace of mind; don’t assign me yours”

And I just needed to mull over that

Because that’s probably how you feel about me

That’s probably how I made you feel

The reason I confessed

Was in an effort to heal quicker

I knew you didn’t feel the same way about me all the way

That’s right, all the way

Cos I think a part of you really did like me

Why wouldn’t I think that?

I was amazing that week we met

I was funny, I was bold

And I was as adorably sized and as animated as your favourite fucking Saturday morning cartoon character

No way could you not find yourself liking me

To a friendly degree

But of course I wasn’t perfect

You saw that I was vulnerable

You saw me showing my opened wounds

I’m sure you liked that too

Which would explain if you found it slightly terrifying when I confessed to “really really liking you”

After all, how could anybody possibly make such a bold declaration of “really really liking you” after only seeing a snapshot of your life that lasted a week?

As if they had planted an immovable flag atop a summit that denied the impending howling winds and heavy storms

No, likely if you had reciprocated sentiments openly and we had spent more time together

I would be disillusioned by the dream I had

The idealistic dream I had of who you were

And I would be the latest to abandon you and cause such suffering that would be so unequivocally

Unnecessary

No, you could never allow yourself to be with such a person as this

For the seemingly-undeniable danger they would present to your future-self

Better to nip it in the bud and leave it behind believing

As nice as it would be, him stuck around

That would be impossible considering what he doesn’t know about me

 

Here is my rebuttal to what is undeniably a hypothetical response of yours conceived by me;

Prefaced by me saying it could be unnecessary and I’ve been known to be wrong about the past, need I remind you about staying with the lady in Ubud?

I will firstly admit that what I was attracted to was not you but an idea of who you were

For sure, I projected that same idea onto you when I said “I really, really like you”

And to have the aforementioned hypothetical response would be only natural, totally understandable, realistic even

And it would also be an assumption

You having an idea and projecting that onto me

After all, you only saw a week’s-worth in person of me

You didn’t see what makes me angry, or upset

What I can’t stand and won’t stand for

What makes me wicked and what makes me snap

You assumed and projected an idea onto me, just the way I did onto you

The same way anyone does to anyone else

That makes me wonder, “is it so wrong?”

At the end of the day just about all questions could be answered with “I don’t know”

Will it rain today? I don’t know

Is this book any good? I don’t know

Was that a good or a bad experience I just encountered? I don’t know

Can I trust this person with this secret? I don’t know

I don’t know

I don’t know

I don’t know

I don’t know and that’s ok. We’re not supposed to make a big deal about it.

We’re supposed to make mistakes and embrace them

We’re supposed to keep seeking what makes us passionate, what makes us curious

What makes us feel alive and what gives us pleasure

Forever in the moment

We’re supposed to stop when it doesn’t

If you make a mistake in one moment then try your best for the next

Show all the way up

Be your unapologetic self, that’s all anyone’s aiming for and trying to be

It’s why I told you “I really, really like you” 51 days ago and it’s why I’m typing this text now

Because I need these words to be printed even if you disdain them

This is me being my unapologetic self

Asking you if these words ring true for you

Asking you if you will show all the way up when you get this

Wholeheartedly

Whether that be by blocking me from contacting you ever again

Or commenting on anything I said with your swear to God honest opinion

Do whatever it genuinely makes you want to do

I’d encourage that

Because whatever your response is will be a gift, it will remain a privilege for me to have experienced

Just like every interaction I’ve had with you has been for me

So don’t worry about me, think about yourself

Circumstances are what we make of them, and so too are words;

The statement “I really, really like you” can seem overwhelming, all too much

Or it can mean “you’re cool, I wanna keep in touch as friends”

It depends on how you take their meaning

If something I’ve said or done has caused hurt or fear let me know in some way

I just want to extend my genuine support to you and wish you all the best in overcoming your personal traumas and scars, wherever they come from, for we can choose not who we hurt

But who we let help us

I leave only blessings

GLIMMERRR

I was pretty overjoyed by your reply

Initially

Then I realised you weren’t communicating on the same frequency

It still felt like you were communicating distance

And – new prediction – that there is where you would stay

And maybe that’s a good thing

It’s good if I thought you were more open and expressive with me than you really are

It’s good because it’ll make it easier to get over you if I need to

And I think I probably do

But for now I still want to see this through

Are we really only gonna be this compatible?

Which is not really

I had a host of other thoughts to share with you

And strong feelings I thought would superimpose cleanly

But if this is all that’s there

We’ll see

I was told I am and always will be enough

And by extension so should you be

But enough for who and what

Is it wrong to say not for me or us?

I wanna know

When you realise what you saw wasn’t amazing

It was how you chose to see things/people/her that was

You realise you don’t have to be scared about being alone anymore

It’s still in you

Safe

And that’s liberating

I don’t mind that I lost our messages

It feels now as if holding onto them would feel so thin

When what I have already and will always be able to hold onto –

These memories

That may change in meaning

But always appreciate in value should I choose to let them on their own –

That is what fills me up

It’s almost as if I could look at you now and say sorry

Even though I don’t need to

Only out of embarrassment

And you would sigh with relief

As if finally we understood each other

Now we can go back to being friends

I’d still want that

It’s like I was running life’s marathon when I heard another voice cheer me on from the side

The voice of another runner, running in another marathon

Separate

But intersecting with mine

It was your voice

And I stopped for a while to follow you, took a detour, to ask if you’d help me finish it with me

I thought we were travelling in the same direction

I caught a glimmer of what I thought I needed to finish and assumed it was everything

And you were saying no all along

Because you knew I was on my right path

And that you were on yours

And that they were separate

And that if I wanted to find Her, she was still up ahead

Anticipating our path’s convergence

Keep going you were saying

This whole damn time

Despite my stubborn, blind persistence

And when I finally understood

I gave you a smile, let go and said thank you

For remembering who I was, no, for recognising who I was

And I sped off

Propelled by your encouragement

To get to Her as quickly as I could

Not sure if detours were really detours

But grateful all the same

 

                                                         #

 

I stand back half a meter to take you all in

The smile on your face to that slender-skin glow promise everything

I make up my mind kiss your cheek then walk through the rain

Still a picture of eden and the real thing can both look the same

 

  #

 

 

WOULDYOURATHER

Maybe none of this matters on a cosmic scale

But it matters to me and that’s enough

So much of what I say to others

The songs I sing

The crushes I have

I make them out to be the biggest deal in the world

Because they are

We see so often as if we are the center of the universe

With only two eyes it’s hard not to

And when I’m reminded of a pale blue dot

I feel so deluded I want to change to a different channel

One with less voices and opinions

I click the right button again and again and again

And each time I feel more disheartened at not finding a good fit

Until I come back to the first channel

The one where I’m screaming and shouting 

Running naked through the streets

It’s embarrassing to play the fool sometimes but something about it feels good

It feels right

Some people may as well be angels for the way they grace this world’s stage

They bear their burdens and yet somehow still manage to drift by largely unnoticed

But we’re all seeking pleasure aren’t we?

That’s why we’re doing everything, surely 

Because we believe someday all of this will be worth it

So why question this worth when it simply is

It simply is whatever I attribute it to be

There’s power there

Meaning there

Perhaps it seems delusional but it is worth enough

asdjkhlkggugi

I’m so scared to write this

I’m afraid I’ll make a mistake

It’s just so messy in my head

But here goes

I found you on facebook tonight after not knowing your last name

Or whether I’d been spelling your first name correct for more than 48 days

It felt like a massive breach of privacy

It also felt like reaching the final frontier

But only for the first four seconds

And then it hit me

So hard

I couldn’t unsee what I did

And now I’m panicking

It was a reminder that I’ve been more in love with the idea of you than you actually

And that hurts so much or maybe it just comes as a really hard slap/smack across the face

It’s like what I saw was not was I was expecting to see at all

I was expecting to see this perfectly formed online version of you

That matched everything I’d seen of you up till then

And maybe I did

But I also saw more

The formation of an individual

From girl to woman

That’s one way of describing it

I remember you wrote to me in your text

“Great heroes aren’t born that way; they’re made”

Or something to that extent

Well that’s kinda what I saw; your origin story almost

Well supercuts or snapshots or whatever you call them

Moments in time

Moments that to me seem like they must have been from another lifetime

Maybe these words would hurt you

I don’t want to address that just yet because I’m still uncertain of how I feel

I feel so overwhelmed

And bursting with mixed emotions

But maybe all of this is humbling

I’m kinda hoping that it is

Because sometimes reality is so much more than imagination

There are things in this world that are so amazing that you just couldn’t make them up

I felt a bit of that tonight

Nobody’s perfect and

.

.

.

Ok I’m sorry I can’t write here anymore. I tried but

Let me just skip to the point

I’m so scared that if we were together

I would hurt you

I’ve said this before but I don’t want to get bored of you

 

.

.

.

 

Ok

I settled down a bit

Cleared my head

Maybe the pieces don’t fit together yet

But I gotta try while they’re still fresh anyhow

For better or worse

Uncertainty and vulnerability

I wonder if you ever looked me up

Like I did you

I wonder if you ever felt the same way

As I did for you

You know I can delude myself into almost anything

There’s power there as well as fear

It’s proper mad that

But seriously I’m uncertain

As to how you feel

As to what it meant when you said

I can’t give you the answers you were hoping for

Like what does that mean

I know in simple terms it means no

But sometimes I think

How much I opened up to you

How much I still want to open up to you

And I feel like you didn’t open up to me

Like maybe you’re trying to spare my feelings

Maybe you don’t want to hurt me

So you won’t say how you feel

Would I be right in assuming you held back from saying

I like you too cos you thought that would hurt more

Than if you said I don’t like you that way

In the most likely case, you’d deny the assumption

Fair

It was unlikely

But as much as that would hurt

In true Augustus fashion

Or in true heartbreaking fashion

I’d say it’d be an honour, a privilege to be hurt by you in that way

As it was when you hurt me in this way

Ok so I’m still hung up on what ifs

I don’t know if I’ll ever fully move past them

But maybe that’s where the beauty lies

In the mystery

You can always rely on and believe in

A good mystery

It’ll always be there out there somewhere

And maybe this is one of them

Maybe the simple matter of a mystery existing is enough

Maybe knowing enough means there will still be mysteries left unsolved

And that we can still live our best lives never solving them or trying to

Simply letting them be

Now I’ve proven over the past 48 or so days that I am not about to let you go quickly

But I know that some things are slipping past me and I’m accepting them

For example

Seeing your facebook profile this evening made my mind and imagination run overtime

The gates were pushed wide open, allowing all sorts of overwhelming and negative, intrusive thoughts enter

It was so hard to hold them all off

And now they’ve calmed down somewhat

I’m regaining control but it’s a slow and continuous effort to try and push them away again

Anyway

Those photos

The words on your feed

So confusing

I held all these assumptions

Some were dispelled

A torrent more were conjured forth

And as I see how some of your life played out

How do I say

The part relevant to our story

I’m trying to stand back and make sense of it

There’s almost this idea that this reality, however at odds with my imagination

Makes sense

It rounds off some ideas nicely and it opens possibilities

When we see any sign that our crush is anything less than perfect

It forces us to see them differently

I was slightly alarmed when I saw where you came from

But it makes sense

And accepting that, embracing that is like a lesson you’re teaching me

I want to be open to it

I want it to help me grow

Because I still feel like there’s so much to learn from you

I still love my idea of how you see the world

And I need that inspiration

I may have to settle for the you in my imagination

And that’s ok

But you know how they say never meet your heroes because it’ll just be a disappointment?

For better or worse

I’m still holding onto and looking forward to knowing you better

Like it could absolutely never be a disappointment

A blessing always

Even if it breaks my heart

Maybe someday I’ll let go

I just want to be open

Whatever the outcome

 

I still hold this level of disgust for myself

At these thoughts

At these feelings for you

I really want to just let the feelings roam free though

Of judgement or worry

They are what they are surely

And we don’t want to do wrong

I’m hoping that there’s hope that can make all this alright